A Bright Past.......A Brighter Future

For my beautiful daughter. To remind you of all the great times and the promise of many more. You make me proud everyday to be your mom and you never cease to amaze me with your courage, strength, determination and will to pick yourself up and push forward. If I could be half the person you are, I would be so lucky. I love you Cai!

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall.
~Confucius

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.
~Gandhi

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A Trip To Remember

In 2004, Me, Caitlyn, Uncle Jaime and Mom all took a trip to Tokyo, Japan. Caitlyn was so excited. Everything was a new and different experience for her. Jaime and I had been to Japan twice before but we were very young at those times so we didn't remember much. I think we were just as excited this time.

We visited several places everyday. Mine and Caitlyn's favorite place was the 100 yen store. Japan's version of the dollar store only 10 times better. Their dollar items would sell for a lot more here in the states. I could have spent the entire day there!

We visited various temples, Mt. Fuji and the oldest schoolhouse in either Tokyo or Japan, I can't remember which. We also went to Puroland which is like Disneyland only instead of Mickey Mouse it's Hello Kitty and other Sanrio characters. So much fun!!

On our last day about two hours before we were supposed to leave for the airport, Caitlyn and I decided to take a walk. I figured we would make one big square and end up back at my Aunt's house. Well we got to looking around and talking and suddenly we found ourselves lost. I started to panic because we had not told anyone which way we were going. I don't speak Japanese and I can't read it to save my life. We kept walking and everything looked even more unfamiliar. I was worried that we would never find our way back and we would miss our flight home. The streets are so small and they jut off into all directions. Luckily Caitlyn and Jaime had taken a walk a few days before, he's so much better at directions than I am, so Caitlyn had remembered a little pond that we came upon. She was able to remember which way to get us back. Thank goodness. I was so relieved when we got back that I was actually crying. Mom couldn't understand so I told her how we got lost and I was so scared. Then we started laughing. Leave it to me to get lost in a foreign country!

Mom used to go to Japan at least once a year but ever since our trip she said she never wants to go back unless we go with her. She says she has a much better time with all of us. I would love to go back again.

At Mt. Fuji


One of many places we visited so I can't remember where we were.


By the Ocean.


At a Sushi Bar.


Caitlyn and Uncle J, as she calls him. Vending machines are everywhere in Japan. Practically on every corner.


More Vending Machines


Look closely and you can see Mt. Fuji in the background.


View from a Cable Car.


Hello Kitty's house at Puroland. I want to live there!


One of the streets we were lost on.

Life Moving Forward

Things are slowly getting back to a routine for all of us. Caitlyn is doing well. School has been a welcome escape for her. She seems to be coping with everything in a positive way which I am so thankful for. I went on a cleaning frenzy this morning. It helped to get out all my pent up frustrations and worries, although Carson keeps walking through my still wet mopped floor. He just says "Sworry Mommy" and grins. Speaking of Carson, here are some funny pics from bath time the other night. They make me smile. He's so crazy!

Not really sure why he needed the googles.


We had sno-cones for a treat, hence the green tongue.


Punk Look Front View


Side View

Co-Survivors

That is the new term used to describe us. Not a term we wanted and definitely not one we asked for. A week ago this past Saturday, as Charles and I were asleep in bed thinking all our children were safe, not more than 10 miles away our sweet and precious daughter was going through something that no girl/woman should ever have to go through. It happened at the house of one of her co-workers. A "friend" of a friend. A place she was not supposed to be. Far from the place where she told us she would be. It's been a painful, heart-wrenching and most difficult past week and we are still trying to sort everything out. We took her immediately to the hospital as soon as we learned what happened. I kept thinking it was all a bad nightmare and I would soon wake up. You associate hospitals with your child being sick or injured, not for something like this. As we were waiting for the doctor to come in, I kept staring at a poster hanging on the wall. How to prevent your child from falling. It seemed so absurd to me. So out of place. So trivial. Where was the poster telling you how to prevent your child from going through what our child was going through?? What do we as parents say to her, how do we help her. It's not something you can put a band-aid on and make it all better. You can't wipe away the tears with the promise of ice cream or a new toy. Her pain is on the inside. She is dealing with the tragedy of what happened and also with the guilt of lying to us about where she would be. We reassure her time and time again that this wasn't in any way her fault. It didn't happen because she lied. It didn't happen because she caused it or deserved it. It happened because some morally deprived individual took something that he had no right to.

We have done everything we need to do in order to catch the person responsible and are now left with the task of trying to put our broken daughter back together. Our once free spirited, confident girl has been replaced with a quiet, more reserved one. Her and I have been spending lots of time together. Sometimes we talk and sometimes we just watch tv, both of us finding comfort in knowing the other is near. She feels safe at home with her family. I feel safe knowing she's here. Every now and then the old Caitlyn comes out. Just for a brief moment it feels like before. Her laughter fills my heart with hope, hope that not everything was stolen from her.

I have done so much research on the topic. Trying to get answers. Trying to make sense of it all. One thing that I keep reading is that you can't spend your time thinking about what you could have, should have, would have done differently. The first day that is all I thought about. What if we had not let her go out that night? Why didn't I call her before I went to bed? So many things we could have done that would have changed everything. The Butterfly Effect. No matter how much we wish we could go back, the only thing we can do is move forward. It's a daily battle for me to not go to the dark place in my mind and see her crying out for help and knowing that we weren't there or thinking about what else could have happened to her. We are a much stronger family now. More protective of each other. We will not let this defeat us.

Absence

I told myself that when I started this blog I would be diligent about posting something, if not everyday than at the very least every other day. I have failed. Not for reasons of being too lazy, nothing to write about or not enough time. Something else has taken me away but it's something I'm not ready to write about. To see it in black and white would only solidify a truth that is too devastating to bear right now. A truth I, we, are still trying to come to terms with. Its not sickness, drugs, death or divorce but equally as horrific. Our family is in a sense of turmoil and despair, grief and helplessness but at the same time we have bonded together and become stronger. We have quite a road in front of us but are determined to see it to the end. So my posts may be sporadic for awhile but I will try and keep them lighthearted because Lord knows Carson will still be Carson and continue to entertain with his mischievous self. It's actually a blessing during this time :)

The Curious Case of Carson Charles

Carson is going through a phase where everything is his "best friend". The other day, I had made some monkey bread. I gave him a plate full and then went off to do something. A couple hours later I find the plate on the couch and there is about five pieces left but they were all hard and inedible. I told him to throw them in the trash. He started crying and saying "no, their my best friend". I was a little confused. Ok, more like weirded out. I couldn't understand why my child was crying over bread. We're talking full out crying too, not that pretend stuff where they manage to squeeze out one little tear. The next object was a water bottle. After he was done with his lunch, I had tossed his water bottle in the trash. The boy freaked out and grabbed it and said that it was his best friend too. He actually sat it next to him on the couch. Today, a bowl of fruit loops has the high honor. So bizarre! I am raising one crazy child.

Yesterday a flyer for Toys R Us came in the mail and it was full of Thomas the Tank items. Carson was in heaven. Then last night when I was putting him to bed, he asked me if we could go to the toy store. I told him I didn't have any money, thinking that would be the end of it. He thinks for a minute, then says, well we can go to the bank and BUY some money. The inner thinkings of a four year old. Priceless.


Here is another thing I find curious. His hair. This is how it looks when he goes to bed at night.



Nice right? It's all smooth and flat.

This is what he wakes up looking like:


The boy must sleep rough is all I can think. I call it his Kate Gosselin look. You know the reverse mullet.

Here it is from the side in all its glory:




And no I did not dress him like that, that is his unique fashion sense. He's not afraid to mix his patterns. You may see him one day on an episode of "What Not To Wear"


*Update* He is now lining up the fruit loops, naming them and introducing them to his stuffed animals. Should I be worried??

Sibling Love

I grew up with only one brother, so I knew early on that when I had kids I wanted to have more than two. There's just something about large families that always appealed to me. Even during the times when everyone is home and it's loud and chaotic, I still wouldn't trade it for anything. Our most favorite time is when the power goes out and we get out all our candles and sit around in the living room talking and laughing. I think the kids look forward to it actually.
One thing we are always stressing to the kids is to make sure they look out for one another. Friends come and go, but the only people who will truly care about you is your family.
Colton started high school this year and I was so proud of Caitlyn for taking him under her wing and helping him get adjusted. They all may argue a lot with each other but deep down I know they love each other.

Caitlyn, Colton and Chandler


The Example Setters


Youngest and Oldest


Brotherly Love


Silly Brothers


Middle Brothers


Goofy Faces


Love x's 4